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Introvert... or Scared?

Hear me out:

I am a self proclaimed introvert. I enjoy time to myself, it takes A LOT sometimes for me to thrive in public spaces, I am literally good with staying home. However there are these moments where I just know that I am putting up walls. I often see where I could’ve been in certain spaces had I not been so... afraid. To be honest, I started realizing that I was looking for an excuse for my fear. As it just so happens, I could justify my reason for not going out for opportunities, or not doing things I longed to do because it was easier to blame on a popular personality trait that no one ever questions.

How did I get here?

Low self worth did it to me, and I wasn’t bold enough to call it like it was. The truth is I can be loud, I’m very smart so all I do is think all day, I can get really deep really quickly, I love to laugh, I’m tall, I’ve gained weight so I’m easy to see, I like to hang out, I love to travel, and love being in spaces that elevate me. But somehow this habit transformed itself into me needing an excuse for my fear. It made me pick myself apart to see all the ugly parts and convince myself that it was the first thing people saw when they’d meet me. So why bother trying with people, right? It also caused me to get in this weird strain of people bondage and not have the courage to occupy my own mind with what I know is inside of me: Intelligence, creativity, fun, kindness, and the love of God.

I had to get real about what was really going on. I was projecting my insecurities so much that I caused the one thing I wanted to live without- regret. I realized that I was too afraid of the rejection more than I was afraid of the response, and I missed out on all the possibilities of good. Mind you there are those who are bold enough to tell you to your face how much they don’t like you. However, as my Grandmother would say ‘A hit dog will holler’. But I like to look at it this way. In order to be heard you have to project. Whatever you project is the truth whether you meant show it or not. Some people only bark to you what they fear for themselves. What my responsibility is, is how I project and respond. So with that, I do my best NOT TO THINK for other people. I try to project my FAITHS instead of my FEARS, and I take my time with people, but I refuse to be afraid of the possibilities. If I did I wouldn’t be here, writing to all of you.

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