Guilt Trip
We’re back! After a much needed hiatus I am here to share my growths and truth with you. I can honestly say I’ve grown closer to God, and learned more thing about myself that I hope will make you feel less alone. However, for those of you who have taken notice of the picture above, please note that my very Savior turned water in to wine, so I will quaff as I see fit.
This photo is significant to me. It marks a turning point in conclusions that I made about myself. As I was counting down the days to leave on this trip with my mother, I dealt with a world of guilt for so many reasons. For one I was leaving my son & hubby for 4 days on a Bday trip that I had promised my mother to take her on the year before, and my son is still under two. Two, my grandmother had just passed, and three… though I didn’t want to admit, I was starting to feel a little suffocated at home. It could have been partly due to item two, but I know I needed a moment. I just turned 30, and I wasn’t a party girl before my son, but I truly had become accustomed to doing what I wanted when I wanted. My 30 year old bank account is a lot different than my 20 year old account. That account was beyond ghetto, I can afford to fly main cabin these days 😂. I want to have a good time. I am in a routine with my son, he is my whole heart, but I missed being free to randomly travel or go to an event whenever I wanted. I was conflicted with the fact that even though seeing my son smile could change my entire mindset, having him poop and sneeze in my face after work wasn’t always appealing. My emotions were everywhere, almost like they were attacking me, and I knew I had to figure things out. I knew I needed the coming break. Which made me feel worse.
So I went, and I bonded with my mother, and we talked about a lot of things that happened to me as a kid, and unpacked a lot. We had a great time. I saw beaches, and towns, and really experience the area as much as I could, and did as much as we wanted… but I avoiding the ‘why’. Why was I feeling suffocated? Who told me I wasn’t free to be? Why is this coming up now? So one of the nights I took a long hot bath, and began to pray… God is so dope. ‘He said let go and trust Me’. He showed me two areas that I had been struggling to admit to, that truly helped me to let the singleness go.
I realized that I am not alone anymore.
I realized how much of a loaner I had been throughout my life, and how much of it made me irresponsible or careless to my realities. I didn’t want to be a bother, and I didn’t want to deal with it if I was… it was easier that way. For a long time I thought no one needed me or would care if I happen to just up & go, and never came back because such is life for many… but not me. Not anymore. It matters to them, and I love that. But it also matters to me, I love being needed & loved by them. But I need & love them just as much. Me time is still important to me, but It’s always better when we’re together. God is so dope for creating family like that.
2. I want to show my son the world!!!
Everything I haven’t seen, I want to see it with him, and through his point of view. I put myself in his shoes, and saw how important that would be in time. He might not remember everything, but he will say that ‘My parents took me’ or ‘My parents showed me’. My husband and I were fortunate enough to have parents with the same itch to travel even though they couldn’t always afford to. However, they took us with them. I missed Hubby & Lu so much while was at that vineyard, I tried not to call them every hour while I was there. I just wanted them to experience it with me. I’m so glad I got to share it with my mom. She’s fabulous, but we already knew that. The distance just made me want to rush home.
The photo is significant because I grew up after it it was taken. Just like new 21 year old, I, now, truly feel grown enough to take that drink. I’m happy with my life, and I’m grateful for it. So…Cheers.
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